How to help coaching clients change habits when they cannot get started

A client wants to change her habits, starting with a walk after dinner. You agree on a daily evening walk. At the next session, she says she has not gone once. “I need more discipline,” she adds. Ask what happened on one of those evenings. The answer may show you what the plan overlooked.

In this fictional example, Tuesday’s dinner ended at 7:30. She helped her child with homework, cleaned up and sat down at 9. There was no clear opening for the walk she had imagined. Her self-criticism does not tell you what to change.

Reconstruct the moment, with the client’s permission

Ask, “Would it be useful to look at one evening when you meant to go?” Start with the last intended attempt, while the details are still available. Ask what happened just before the walk was meant to start and what the client did instead.

Imagine the exchange continuing:

Coach: “When you finished dinner on Tuesday, what happened next?”
Client: “My son needed help with homework. By the time we finished, I wanted to sit down.”
Coach: “Had you planned to walk before homework, after it, or whenever there was a gap?”
Client: “I hadn’t decided. I just thought I would find time.”

That last answer matters. “Walk more” names a direction. “Walk to the park gate after dinner on Tuesday” names an action you can check against a real evening. Before refining it, ask whether walking is still the change the client wants.

Three places to look for a barrier

The COM-B model describes behaviour through interacting capability, opportunity and motivation. It can help you decide what to ask, without putting a label on the client.

• Capability concerns what the person knows and can do. Does the client know what the intended action involves? Do they have the practical skill or physical ability to do it as proposed?
• Opportunity concerns conditions around the person: available time, surroundings, resources and other people’s demands. A plan can be clear and wanted yet have nowhere to happen.
• Motivation includes considered priorities alongside feelings and familiar responses. The client may value walking in general while wanting rest, connection or relief from a busy day more strongly at 9 p.m.

These categories can overlap. If homework takes the evening, opportunity is plainly relevant. Ask rather than assign a single label. Evidence on intentions and behaviour is a further reason to avoid treating a stated wish as a complete plan for action.

A conversation you can use in the next session

Start with what happened on a particular day. Then use the client’s account to decide which question to ask next.

1. Start with the day: “Which part of that evening should we look at more closely?” If the client cannot name a start, the plan may still be an intention.
2. What was hard to do? “Was any part of the action unclear, unfamiliar or difficult to do?” “I don’t know what counts” calls for a clearer first action.
3. What did the day allow? “What in that day made it easier or harder?” If childcare or a work shift took the whole slot, the issue may be the slot itself. A reminder will not create time that is already committed.
4. What mattered at that moment? “When the moment came, what felt important to you?” If the answer is “I needed half an hour of quiet,” explore that need. Avoid replying as though rest were evidence of poor commitment.
5. Choose together: “Of those things, which could we change first?” The client may see a possibility the coach missed. If none is within their control, revisit the goal or timing before making a new promise.

An answer often points in more than one direction. “I forgot because I got home late” suggests both an absent cue and a time constraint. “I don’t know where to go and I dislike walking alone after dark” raises clarity and surroundings. Follow the client’s account far enough to choose a useful first experiment.

One missed walk, three different next steps

Keep the same stated goal and change what you learn about it. The next action should change with the obstacle.

If capability is the immediate barrier: The client says, “I never know if a short walk counts, so I wait until I have time for a proper one.” Ask, “What would make a first walk clear enough to start?” They choose a familiar route to the end of the street and back. You can agree to treat that as an attempt, then ask whether it felt manageable at the next session.

If opportunity is the immediate barrier: The client says, “Homework begins as soon as we finish dinner. I can’t leave then.” Ask, “Is there another time that already has a small opening, or should we change the target?” Perhaps a ten-minute walk after the school drop-off is feasible twice this week. Perhaps the only honest answer is to postpone the walk until family arrangements change. The client decides which version fits.

If rest takes priority at that moment: This time the client has a free evening but says, “When I get home, I want to switch off, and I head straight for the sofa.” Ask what walking was meant to give them. If they wanted a pause between work and family time, they might prefer a short walk immediately after leaving work. If they value quiet more than movement right now, another restorative routine may be the better goal. If they still choose the walk, they might decide to take a short route from work before heading home. At the next check-in, ask whether that moment came and whether the walk gave them the break they wanted.

Try the same questions on a different routine

Consider another fictional client who wants to start winding down before bed. They keep answering work messages in the evening instead. “Stop checking your phone” is an easy instruction to give and a poor substitute for understanding the situation.

First define the proposed routine. Does “wind down” mean putting the phone away at 9:30, reading for ten minutes, or ending work at a particular time? Then ask about the last evening. Were the messages required by their role? Did a colleague expect a quick response? Or did the client choose to clear the inbox because it made tomorrow feel less daunting?

If the client has no idea what routine they want, help them name one small action they would actually welcome. If their employer expects evening availability, a personal reminder cannot settle that obligation. They may be able to discuss response expectations or choose a time on days when they are off duty; do not assume they can simply ignore work. If answering messages brings a sense of relief, ask what they are trying to finish and whether a short end-of-day handover note would meet that need.

If evening replies are optional, the client could choose to write a brief handover note at the end of work and leave nonurgent messages until morning. At the next check-in, ask whether the note happened and what they did when an evening message arrived.

Write a plan for a real day

Separate the action from the hoped-for outcome. “Feel healthier” or “sleep better” may explain why the client cares, but neither tells them what to do when dinner ends or a work message arrives. An action plan names the moment, place and first behaviour. A coping plan names one likely obstacle and a response the client could genuinely take.

When [specific situation], I will [small action] at [place]. If [likely obstacle] happens, I will [feasible alternative].

For the walking client, who has confirmed that school drop-off and a lunch break are available, that could read: “After school drop-off on Tuesday and Thursday, I will walk to the corner and back before going home. If I need to leave directly for work, I will take a five-minute walk during my lunch break.” The first sentence answers when, where and what. The second covers a likely interruption. It is only a good plan if the client agrees that both options fit their life. If neither does, revise the goal before filling in the blanks.

Research on implementation intentions examines this advance link between a situation and an action. An action and a fallback give both of you something specific to review at the next session.

Review the plan, not the person’s character

At the next check-in, resist opening with “Did you stick to it?” Ask four narrower questions instead:

1. “Did the situation we named actually occur?”
2. “When it did, did you start the action? What did you do?”
3. “What helped or got in the way, including anything we did not expect?”
4. “What should we keep, make smaller, move or drop for next time?”

Those answers suggest different revisions. If school drop-off ran late, ask whether the lunch-break fallback happened and was workable. If it did, the client might make lunch the main plan; if it also failed, look for another opening together. If the cue arrived but the route felt too large, shorten it or work out what would make the first step clearer. If the client tried the fallback but it conflicted with work, replace it with one they control. If walking no longer serves a goal they care about, stop refining the walk and discuss the goal.

A missed attempt is information about the fit between a plan and a week. Ask what they learned and want to try next. The client chooses what to keep or change; your role is to help make the next attempt more realistic.

Try this conversation with one client and review one chosen action at your next contact. For a new client joining your group, Fanobi can collect a starting point through an onboarding survey; progress questionnaires and private chat can help you follow up. The decisions remain with you and your client.